Sep 19, 2008

aaaaaargh…... ten things you need to know when you marry a pirate

No, it is not a costume. I married a pirate, Cap'n Rupert Roughnight, so I have to dress like this all the time. And since it is International Talk Like Pirate Day, here is some more unsolicited advice from someone who knows. I am aware you did not ask, but you realize that it is for your own good. 'eed yer warnings!

  1. You have probably heard that pirates are generally unwashed and slovenly. Completely untrue. Cap'n Rupe takes at least two showers each day, and his clothing always has to be pressed and tucked, with nary a raveled thread or loose button. Let me ask you, have you ever pressed those billowy shirts on a ship? The Lady Ayte Fifth Gale is a top of the line ship, but still it is not easy. In addition, my pillager undeniably smells pretty. They be neat clist pressed an' tucked ya swabbie!
  2. A little known fact about a pirate is that they are laundry freaks. This is necessary because of the amount of wet towels and worn clothing generated from #1. When you live with a pirate, take precautions when you shower and hold on to your towel. The Cap'n has been known to yank it right out of my hands before I have finished drying my delicate alabaster skin because he is scrubbing a load of pirate laundry at the same moment I am trying to dry myself. Do you know how many times I have had to drip dry? A pile of dirty laundry is a no-no. Give me yer towel or keel haul th' plank ya horn swogglin' scurvy cur!
  3. Pirates are notorious for digging through the trash before it actually goes out for the mates to pick up. Now, instead of throwing something overboard, I hand it directly to Cap'n Rupert (or Rupie as I sometimes call him) and just bypass the drink. This particular attribute did come in handy once. I said to Cap'n, "I wish I had a 'whatever'." He promptly went into his quarters returned with the 'whatever' and informed me that I had thrown it away five years ago. Oh, well, that was only the one time. Digs in th' trash an' saves stuff ya scurvy dog whut deserves the black spot!
  4. As indicated in #3, pirates have excellent memories. I reckon an' dasn't ye forget it!
  5. Pirates are both exceptionally frugal and exceedingly generous, especially my Rupie. Things like stopping the ship in the middle of hostile waters because he sees a perfectly good treasure chest that he must salvage are second nature to him. Pirates excel at bargain shopping; I have plenty of these, and these, and what am I supposed to do with 32,000 yards of this? Yes, Cap'n is very generous. Hself t' found thingy ya swabbie who ortin' t' be keel hauled!
  6. Pirates usually expect you to read their minds. When they do ask for something, which is not that often, the pirate usually does not give you all the information necessary to complete their request. It is sometimes hard to decide whether to ask them what they really want, and risk the wrath of the pirate, or just do it the way you would do it and risk the wrath of the pirate. Some days, pirate wrath is inevitable. I wants what I wants ya landlubber!
  7. Pirates do like to party and have a good time. They like to be the center of a social circle. They like attention—look at the way they dress! They like their grog. Aaaaargh!
  8. Pirates cannot sit still and relax for more than a few minutes. Cap'n Rupert always has to be doing something, and you never know what that might be, so be prepared for anything. It must be something in the buccaneers. Get ou' o' me way ya lily livered scallywag!
  9. Expect to be summoned by the name of wench and kissed a lot. When a pirate kisses his wench, you naturally become very backward bendable, as to be draped over his arm, and a wind always appears to make your very long naturally curly hair flow back from your face just so. Do not get me wrong, this is typically a good thing. In addition, go ahead and wear those off the shoulder bodices; it saves lot of garment mending in the long run. Kiss me ye wench, and now, fore I give ye a dunk in th' drink!
  10. Pirates always expect to have the last word. Which is why I blog. Aaaargh!

In the name of all that is peg legged and eye patched, I hope this has been helpful to you.

Princess Brina, the Beauteous Belle of Beauwyn

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I, too, belong to a pirate, only he doesn't know he is a pirate. It would be loads more fun if he would only admit it! I've been referred to as his wench on numerous occasions, most notably as in "Fetch me a beer, Wench!" Always spoken with a grin (or leer) and a wink. I have to admit also to a bit of fondness for the talk. It's rare I feel attractive to the old pirate!
Rather than swashbuckling swords, my pirate prefers 9mm Sigs and 44 Magnums, but beggars cannot be choosers and any swash in a buckle will obviously do me!
AAAARGH is a term frequently heard on the deck of our ship. I prefer to think of it as term of endearment!
I'll sign off as "J" since my password won't work here....one day I will progress to the 21st century and catch up with technology.....until then...J

Anonymous said...

I have a French Maid costume with black and white bustiette, garter, fishnet hose, ect...will that do in lieu of the pirate hussy suit you have???? I really need to know to prepare for next week....

Princeton McKinney said...

You would really have to send a picture for evaluation. And you would also need to do some chores.

HA! You would love to play in my costume closet!

And. PS....I handmade that frothy tidbit of pirate slutiness! Except for the leather, of course.

Roughnight said...

Princess, how dare you air my dirty laundry right out in public. Ah, you were talking about me, weren't you?

I can see my wench needs me. Dress appropriately.

Princeton McKinney said...

Yikes! You weren't supposed to read that Cap'n.

PS--please come home, the laundry is piling up.